Let me start by mentioning that I like cars. I don't lust after them, I wouldn't take food out of my children's mouths to buy a better one, but if the keys to a nice white Jaguar XKR just happened to fall through my letterbox one day, donated by a grateful admirer (huh!) I wouldn't ask too many questions.
My fellow Doorkeeper at the particular house of God that we try to keep nice bought himself his heart's desire when he retired a couple of years ago. It's big, it's black, it's German and it's got more gadgets than Harrod's Toy Store in November. He is a nice man in all other respects, but has he stopped raving on about this flippin' German monstrosity yet? No he has not.
My Vicar, who is a 12-year old boy despite having been walking the earth a bit longer than that, has also got this German creation with a removable roof and heated seats to compensate. Engine capacity is about 200 litres and it makes a noise like a jet fighter on afterburn.
Now me, I've just got an Astra Estate in fog grey. It's fine. However, I've been having a bit of bovver with it just lately. First of all, some poor woman rear-ended it when I had to stop alarmingly quickly to avoid hitting a learner driver who did something absurd in front of me. Then, when I should have been taking it to the body shop to have the damage assessed I couldn't because the battery died so I had to get it to a different garage for a transplant. Then I couldn't get it to the body shop for its refit because I was going on holiday - and so on.
Anyway, I got it there today. My assailant's insurance kindly offered to provide me with a hire car. Thank you very much. I was expecting a Ford Ka or something. Not on your life, mate! A young man turned up to collect me and drive me to the hire company in a very nice car. Kind, I thought. Where's my Ford Ka? It turns out that, because my car is an automatic, they undertake to provide similar, and the only automatic available was this thing -
a '10' plate Audi A6, no less. Just over 1000 miles on the clock. Huge!
All you have to do is point it in the right direction. It decides if it's dark enough for lights, wet enough for wipers, too close to another car for comfort. I'm wondering if it will change colour to match my next outfit.
Note to self - ring body shop & tell them there's no hurry for that repair.......